Working It Out

Sometimes we have to just let them cry and tantrum.  J is in the midst of being two and asserting her independence.  Her new thing is "I want to walk" and by walk she means run like a crazy person down the street.  There's a street by my house that literally has the nickname "The Boulevard of Death" and has traffic signs like this by the crosswalks:

So needless to say, the other day, after an unusually rough night's sleep, this is the street that J wanted to walk aka run down.  Normally, I let her walk/run a little ahead of me...but only when it's safe.  This street is obviously not the place for that.  I chased her down...I spoke to her sternly...and then she dropped to the floor in a tantrum.  Awesome. Yup, I was that mom, letting her kid "work it out" on the busy sidewalk.  And after 3 minutes (even though it felt like a lifetime), J calmed herself down, stood up and when I said "Are you ready to walk with mommy?" She said yes and held my hand.
Sometimes, they have to work it out for themselves.

Sick Baby = Sick to my stomach Mommy

It's Saturday over here (but you probably won't see this til Monday cause I have to see how tomorrow goes) and we are officially in the midst of Jenna's first real sick day.  We've been so lucky so far - she has never run a fever over 99.9 in her little life...but today she ran a whopping 103.7!!
I got nervous and for whatever reason her pediatricians' office phone lines were down and their offices were locked (I'll deal with that issue tomorrow - they're supposed to be open 7 days a week and phone line typically has an outgoing message with an emergency number, but the line wasn't picking up).  So I took her over to my doctor (who is also a ped) and I learned two things:
#1 - it's viral which means lots of TLC and Motrin/Tylenol
#2 - if your kid runs fever, give her tylenol to get the fever down.  It's a whole lot easier to examine a child who's not burning up.  I didn't know that...I thought that if I gave her something, I may not be able to give her antibiotics...I dunno - dumb mom move.  But again, I've never dealt with her having a fever before (or myself - I don't run fever - random fact about me)

Okay, so I'm rambling...and I'm feeling the first ever working mom dilemma.  Because obviously, we're keeping her home from daycare on Monday, and I can't stay home with her. It's the second day of school for my kids and I just cannot take the day.  Mike is in a pretty new job and for him to start taking days now just looks bad.  So we're relying on my mom to watch her Monday.  Honestly, she'll probably be feeling much better by then, but still...the one time she gets sick and I can't be with her.  That shits.  It's not the end of the world, my mother is a fabulous stand-in for me and Mike, but she's not Jenna's mommy. 

I can see pretty clearly what a different type of teacher I'm going to be this year.  I'm going to give my 100% because I don't know how not to, but my heart's going to be somewhere else.  And my ass is going to be out the door at 3:17 on Monday.

so far so good

I'm feeling a little empowered this week.  For starters, Mike is away til Friday (left Monday morning) and I'm holding down this fort solo.  And I think I'm doing a damn good job.  I didn't realize how much stuff he helped out with around here until I had to do it all alone. 
Like the whole bedtime routine, that's a hard thing to do alone...we run a pretty tight ship over here...Jenna goes from highchair to bathtub to crib in one big swoop.  That's hard to do alone.  But I'm managing. 
Daycare day 2 was pretty good again.  Drop off was way different though. She ran into the building and you could hear her thinking "this place is cool...I have fun here" and then we got to her classroom door.  SCREEECH....literally saw the lightbulb go off in her head "wait, mommy leaves me here. don't leave mommy!" Grabbed onto me and started to lose her s***.  I did what every parent does when dropping their kid off at daycare, I passed her to Ms. Caitlyn and hightailed it out of there and cried in the car.  Seriously hard.
I figured I'll call them when I get home to see how long it took her to calm down. Luckily, I never had to, a friend of mine (whose son goes there too) texted me that she saw Jenna in her classroom, eating waffles, and looking happy.  Thank god.
She's been handling this transition as well as I could've hoped.  I imagine this week is really hard for her - Daddy's away, Mommy's dropping her off in a strange place, and tomorrow her Uncle comes to visit from Prague.  Lots of stuff going on over here...but so far so good.

just what i needed to hear

You know those people who always know the right thing to say at the right time. I am so freaking lucky because I actually have a few of those people in my life. I have a whole lot of stuff going on right now and Ive been feeling a little stresed and emotional about it all. You can read about some of it here and some other stuff is just not for the blogosphere...

After a kind of rough going day dealing with all the issues surrounding Jenna and daycare, and my guilt and her happiness...I open my email and I get this amazing note from one of those people in my life.  It doesn't really matter who she is, but she reads this and I hope she smiles when she does, because it made my day.  It's exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. 

I was concerned about you when I read your blog from yesterday. I know this is a very difficult time for you and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better. However, coming from someone who did the same thing and survived (not without tears) I can tell you that everything is going to be fine. Once you see how much fun she is having and how tired she is at the end of the day from all the fun and exciting activiites you will begin to feel better. You will also start to cherish the time you spend with her over the weekends even more and if you still have trouble you also know that you have a pretty terrific support system to help YOU deal with this transition (Jenna will be fine).


I so hope I can make other people feel better after a rough patch like she did for me.

my stress level

I'm one of those people who likes to seem to have it all together...it's a facade...I'm a good faker.
And right now, my ability to fake it is getting smaller and smaller. So I thought that if I list out the things that are stressing me, maybe it would help...

1. I am about to rock my daughter's world.  The world as she knows it is about to be turned upside down and inside out.  She's going to be starting daycare next week.  Don't tell me she's going to love it.   In her short life, she has never known what weekends are. She has never known a full day without her mommy.  She has never had to nap with kids all around her. And starting next week, I am asking her to stay in a place she's not really familiar with for long periods of time, with people she doesn't know.  Don't tell me it's good for her. Everytime I think about next week, I start to tear up. She's my little girl and it makes me sad to be dropping her off at daycare.  That's how I feel right now at this moment.  I know hope that she is going to love it.  She spent a little bit of time there and she loved that everything was her size.  But it doesn't make the transition any easier. As much as she doesn't know life without her mommy.  I don't know life without her right now either.  It'll be just as much as transition for me as it is for her.

2. Mike starts his new job on Monday...in Seattle.  The job is not in Seattle - but he's starting with a week out there for training.  A week. Without Mike. Without Jenna (see #1).  Now Mike and I are not the kind of couple that does things apart.  Other than an occasional bachelor party or business trip, we don't do the whole "apart" thing.  We've never been apart for a week. Ever. So, a week without Mike, Jenna's starting daycare....oh...

3. My brother in law and his grilfriend are coming to visit us next week.  He lives in the Czech Republic and comes in only once a year.  I cannot wait to see him and meet his girlfriend.  I've already sent him an email and let him know over Skype (seriously should do this if you don't already) that I may be what some may call a mess next week.  So he's been forewarned.  I'm hoping I can hold it together and show them a good New York time.  Mike told him he has to hold me together while he's away.  That's a pretty tall order and I hope he's up for the challenge. 

4.  Work starts soon.  I know I know teachers hate talking about school when it's still summer. But for me, August is like the end of the road.  I'm nervous/excited/anxious about going back to work.  I hope I'm still good at it.  I hope it's like riding a bike.

so the stress is high over here but i'm going to try to stay calm....

I am so Not Mom of the Year

When I saw this contest going on from the ladies at Life Without Pink and the Momologist, I had to join in on the fun.  Over the last almost 16 months, I have had countless moments where I've said "Well I guess I'm not winning the mommy of the year award!"








It's all in good fun, but when I started thinking about specific instances where I was certainly not mom of the year - the few that came to mind quick all had to do with Jenna falling - from high and low.  I'm laughing writing this, but really, it's kinda not funny.  But I guess since I know she's okay, I'm allowed to laugh about it...

First the low...
At two weeks old (she was super little) we had her in bed with us.  God we were just trying to get some sleep and at that point the only way she would sleep was on our chest.  Well that's where she was, and I must of been completely sleep deprived, because I forgot she was there and rolled over and she dropped off my chest from the bed onto the floor.  Panic insued. Pediatrician called and visited.  She was/is fine.  I didn't tell anyone about this for months because I was afraid they would say I wasn't a good mommy. 

Now the middle...
You thought the bed was high...umm no...Jenna's fallen from higher.  Right around her first birthday, we went with some friends to the Long Island Children's Museum.  Great place for kids of all ages.  Well, they have this toddler room where the kids can run around and climb on things.  In the room they had this awesome real life motorcycle. I really wanted to get Jenna up there (you know where this is going right?!?)
Well we got this adorable picture first....

And then she went falling off the motorcyle.  You see my arm on the right, well she fell left, and what you don't see in the picture is some small steps next to the bike (so kids can walk up to it).  Yeah she fell off, bounced down the steps and landed with a thud.  I swear  I was watching her - I have proof - my hand is holding her!! But she fell, this time from pretty high up.

 

And the high...

If you're a reader of my blog (and you should be if you're not already), you know this story.  It was a few months ago, and we were staying at our friend's HOUSE.  We live in an apartment.  I thought Mike had her, he thought I had her. Well the stairs had her.  All we heard {he was in the bathroom, I was in the bedroom} was a thud and screaming. Jenna fell down a pretty substantial flight of stairs.  Thing is, I have no idea if she walked down a few and then slid down the rest, or if she slid on her butt, or if she flipped down them...it's probably better off.  Cause either way, she fell down a flight of stairs. It was a holy shit moment if there ever was one. 

 

Thank god our kid is tough because she's taken some good falls.  It's not that we don't watch her, it's just that I'm not mom of the year!

Join in the fun! Why should you get the Not Mom of the Year Award??

Do you hate parenting?

My favorite magazine, New York Magazine had this as it's front page this week:

I Love My Children.
I Hate My Life.

Online, it is a little less harsh:

All Joy and No Fun
Why Parents Hate Parenting

Umm...eye catcher much?! I got the magazine Tuesday afternoon and read the entire article before bed. (for those with kids at home, that's kind of a big deal)

If you have a chance, check out the article - and not just parents will be interested in what it says, I think, if anything, non-parents, or people comtemplating kids should absolutely read this article. 
Not that I agree with or feel the same way that the people in the article feel...but as with most things, there is some truth to it (at least for me).

Do I love my daughter?? Oh my god, words cannot express how much.  Seriously my heart fills up when I'm near her or even thinking about her.  It is the most overwhelming feeling, the love for your child.  Even when she's isn't being ahem perfect and I'm at my wits end, my love for her is immeasurable.

Do I hate my life? In a simple answer: No. 
Do I hate parenting? Ummm...being 100% honest here...sometimes.

But here's the thing, I was/am a 30-something new parent.  This may be controversial, but I think there's a big difference between a 20-something and a 30-something year old parent.  I had lots and lots of fun in my 20's.  I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I dated a lot. I lived on my own. I started my career. My motto was work hard play harder.  And 10 years, that's what I did.  And you know something, after 10 years, I was kinda over it.  And it just so happened that around that time I met my husband (and initially we partied hard together) and we started a life together.  One that was a bit slower...not as much partying not as much going out.  More nights in with sushi and wine. More one night "out" and the rest "in" and we were okay with all of that.

For us, it was a gradual change of lifestyle.  A change that we initiated. And one that continued when we had a baby.  Everyone says that everything changes when you have a baby and it does.  But I can honestly say that we were ready for the majority of those changes.  We welcomed most of them. 

Now are there days when I miss my 'former life'? Of course there are. I don't think I would be human if I didn't wish once in a while for a day when I all I had to worry about was myself and had little (if any) real responsibilities.  But that's not real life and that's not how I want to live.  So I welcome the nights when we drop Jenna off at grandparents for the night and go out and "party" and I think I've come to appreciate them more now than I ever did before I had a baby. 

But here's the thing, this whole parenting thing is not for everyone.  The sacrifices you make are astounding and for many (like me) are totally worth it.  But if you don't think it's for you, then please, don't have a kid just because it's the socially accepted thing to do because noone benefits from that. 

Check out the article and let me know what you think!

I'll Tumble for Ya!

Smiling as I write the title of this post but trust me when I say that I was not smiling when this happened.  And since Chris didn't want to hear the full story til I blogged about it...here it is...

Hubby and I stayed at our friends' house Friday night because they were all running the Spring Lake 5 on Saturday morning.  We had our alarms set (which I don't think we've done in 14 months) for 5 am...which woke all three of us up with a start. 

Now let me say this now - We live in an apartment and apparently supervising your child in an apartment is VERY different than supervising in a house (read: there are steps in a house). 

Our friends' three kids were still sleeping and we were kind of running around getting ourselves and Jenna ready.  I went into the bedroom and Mike went into the bathroom.  I thought he had her and he thought I had her.  Then we both hear the BOOM and WAHHHH!

:::OH SHIT:::

We rush out of our rooms to find Jenna lying on the landing of their stairs, wailing.  She must've rolled down, or flipped over, or just jumped over the 7 steps (we have no idea exactly what she did because we weren't there to see it).  We grab her and procede to 'whisper yell' at each other (since there are still three sleeping kids in the house), we fought over who's fault it was and who was supposed to be watching her....and well...we were both wrong...Truth is, neither one of us was watching her and thank god (and carpeting) she was okay. I know kids are resilient and tougher than we think they are but seriously that was some scary shit. 

Everything is just a phase...

I am hesitantly writing this because...well if I say it (or write it) out loud then I may jinx myself...but I think our whole "cry before bed until I throw up" phase is over.

A little recap of Jenna's sleeping patterns...always a pretty good sleeper (luckily), but when she was around 6 months old, we Ferber-ized her (sounds so clinical) and it worked - then at around 10 months things started to get a little crazy again and we tried to Re-Feber-ize her.  Well at this point I guess she got pissed because if we let her cry - she puked...all over...and if we let her cry again...she would puke...again. It was terrible and sad and frustrating all at the same time.

(More detailed versions at Pity Party of One and Losing my Cool)

Puking Baby + Messy Floor + Crying + No Sleeping = VERY STRESSED mommy & daddy


Since Freber was obviously not working - we did some no-cry sleep solutions.  Which basically meant I hung out in her room til she fell asleep (usually around 10-15 min, but some nights longer).  Recently she seemed to be almost ready to not have me in there...and the last few nights I've actually walked right out after a kiss and a tuck into her sleep sac.  Listening carefully to the monitor (cause god knows I do not want to hear crying which can lead to puking) and all I've been hearing is some whimpering and then silence...Amazing!

Seriously, the puking was a really really really hard thing to handle - hopefully that phase is over...but as anyone with kids knows it's just a matter of time before there's something else...hmm what's next?!!?

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Tough times are worth it

Maybe it's because my baby's first birthday is fast approaching, or maybe it's just because we had a great weekend, but I'm finding myself feeling very "proud" of J these days. She's becoming such a big girl, so independent, and her personality is really starting to come out and it's just so fun to watch it all unfold.



Saturday we did some typical weekend things...went out for brunch - where my little girl ate and ate and ate (we seriously haven't found anything she won't eat). And at this point she is so focused on feeding herself that she wants nothing to do with the spoon filled with yogurt that I'm trying to feed her, unless of course, I give her the spoon and she does it herself! Then we did some food shopping, where she sat in the shopping cart like a big girl, and held onto some of the packages that we were buying...oh and ate through almost a whole package of puffs that we picked up as went up and down the aisles.



Sunday we had a family party in Pennsylvania. She was amazing...and i'm not just saying that...napped the whole way down in the car, woke up in a great mood, went hand to hand to hand to hand, and ate (again!) evreything in sight! There was a point where I looked over at her and my heart just filled up. I always said that I wanted to make sure my children are the kind who go to everybody and I have one! She smiles and flirts with everyone and it just makes me so proud.



She has taken a few (hesitant) steps on her own and knows what she wants and goes after it (she gets that from me!), whether it's her bottle, her sippy cup, or more mac and cheese. These are the things that make me think back to that little baby I took home from the hospital a little under a year ago and it's hard to believe it's the same person! I feel like it's easy to complain about some of the tough things that go along with parenting (and there are a bunch of them), but then there are those times where I find myself absolutely in awe of this little person..and you know what...all those tough things disappear.