Our New Reality

We checked out Jenna's daycare this week. Although I had been there before for the tour and information and filled out all the paperwork, today was the finalization of everything.  We saw the room that she will be in, the kids that will be in her class, and her teachers.  She even got to hang out for storytime with her soon-to-be BFFs! She did great.  Mike and I stood watching her while she listened to the teacher read a story.  When she got a little antsy, it was the teacher who calmed her down. 

Honestly, I wanted to run and grab her when she got a little upset, and it took all my will power not to.  I can't believe she starts in two weeks.  Next week, we go in together and spend an hour or so on one or two days.  Then August 2nd, I drop her off. Period. I'll start be leaving her there for a few hours a day, working up to a full day by the second week. 

I'm having some mommy guilt about starting her in August when I technically don't go back to work until the very end of the month.  And I'm sure many will judge me for taking this time to transition.  But I'm okay with this decision.  I have been away from work for what will be 18 months.  I need time to get my head around it and get my shit together.  This is near impossible to do while watching a toddler.  And I really feel like the more "ready" I feel for work, the better and easier all this will be.  I also want to be around if they need me to come get her or if she gets sick. I won't be able to do that once I'm back at work (my mom will have to do that for us).  I think know she's going to be happy there - so many kids, so many toys, and all the furniture is her height! At the same time I know it's going to be very bittersweet for me. 

Do you hate parenting?

My favorite magazine, New York Magazine had this as it's front page this week:

I Love My Children.
I Hate My Life.

Online, it is a little less harsh:

All Joy and No Fun
Why Parents Hate Parenting

Umm...eye catcher much?! I got the magazine Tuesday afternoon and read the entire article before bed. (for those with kids at home, that's kind of a big deal)

If you have a chance, check out the article - and not just parents will be interested in what it says, I think, if anything, non-parents, or people comtemplating kids should absolutely read this article. 
Not that I agree with or feel the same way that the people in the article feel...but as with most things, there is some truth to it (at least for me).

Do I love my daughter?? Oh my god, words cannot express how much.  Seriously my heart fills up when I'm near her or even thinking about her.  It is the most overwhelming feeling, the love for your child.  Even when she's isn't being ahem perfect and I'm at my wits end, my love for her is immeasurable.

Do I hate my life? In a simple answer: No. 
Do I hate parenting? Ummm...being 100% honest here...sometimes.

But here's the thing, I was/am a 30-something new parent.  This may be controversial, but I think there's a big difference between a 20-something and a 30-something year old parent.  I had lots and lots of fun in my 20's.  I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I dated a lot. I lived on my own. I started my career. My motto was work hard play harder.  And 10 years, that's what I did.  And you know something, after 10 years, I was kinda over it.  And it just so happened that around that time I met my husband (and initially we partied hard together) and we started a life together.  One that was a bit slower...not as much partying not as much going out.  More nights in with sushi and wine. More one night "out" and the rest "in" and we were okay with all of that.

For us, it was a gradual change of lifestyle.  A change that we initiated. And one that continued when we had a baby.  Everyone says that everything changes when you have a baby and it does.  But I can honestly say that we were ready for the majority of those changes.  We welcomed most of them. 

Now are there days when I miss my 'former life'? Of course there are. I don't think I would be human if I didn't wish once in a while for a day when I all I had to worry about was myself and had little (if any) real responsibilities.  But that's not real life and that's not how I want to live.  So I welcome the nights when we drop Jenna off at grandparents for the night and go out and "party" and I think I've come to appreciate them more now than I ever did before I had a baby. 

But here's the thing, this whole parenting thing is not for everyone.  The sacrifices you make are astounding and for many (like me) are totally worth it.  But if you don't think it's for you, then please, don't have a kid just because it's the socially accepted thing to do because noone benefits from that. 

Check out the article and let me know what you think!

Seeing into the Future

You know how sometimes you start to have a conversation about your hypothetical future and then all of a sudden it's 15 minutes later, and you're practically arguing over something that has not happened yet...no?? Well then you have never witnessed some of my best arguments with my hubby.

Tonight's argument was about Jenna (who is 15 months old) and her not-yet-conceived sibling(s) and their sports schedules in high school.  Seriously. Ridiculous. I think one of my winning quotes went something like this, "If you think I'm going to work all day then go driving around to pick Jenna up at 7pm from some practice with the little one (who, I repeat does not exist yet!), you're crazy!"

Umm...yeah we were arguing over how many sports she (and futures) will play and how often and how many weekends it would take up...until finally, Mike (who is definitely the more level headed one) said "You realize that we're arguing about something that may or may not happen 15 years from now!" And we both laughed and moved on....

But seriously, mark my words...I will not be schlepping around every freaking weekend or every night for sports teams.  Ahhh it feels good to have the last word in - even if the argument shouldn't even be discussed.

Balancing Act

So I completely lost my shit putting J to bed the other night when she gave me a hard time and my husband was at the gym training for the NYC Triathlon.  I didn't lose it with Jenna, I lost it with my husband...basically the minute he walked in I left the premises.  Literally. Took a walk to cool off and let Mike get her to bed.  Of course she went to sleep within 15 minutes for him after crying for me for 1 1/2 hours but who's counting.  On my cooling off walk, I called my my mother - she's one of three people in my life that can talk me back from the edge (my hubby and BFF Tara being the other two).  After 40+ years of marriage, my mom is pretty good at giving marital advice.  I was going on a rant about how he gets some downtime everyday communting to and from work and then takes an hour after work to go to the gym most nights. Basically she told me to communicate with Mike about how I need some more time for me. Now most of the time, I welcome his hour at the gym because Jenna is sleeping and I get to kind of unwind before he gets home.  But on occasion Jenna does not cooperate and it makes it difficult to deal with knowing that he's
working out (if he was still at work I wouldn't be as upset - but the fact that he's doing stuff just for him pisses me off).

He texted me that she was sleeping, I ended my call with my mom and went home and we talked and talked and talked about it.  We came to the conclusion that I need to get some time alone on the weekends (during the week is a bit difficult) and I need to be better at communicating that.  We compromised on some things...we're going to try having him come home straight from work and help me out and then go back out to the gym.  Now this will mean that we may not be eating together at night and I may be going to sleep alone, but it's only temporary until the race is over (in July). I respect that he really wants to do the race this year (it'll be his 5th) and he wants to be able to finish (it would be horrible if he started the race and couldn't finish).  Our other compromise was the purchase of a jogging stroller. This way on the weekends, he and Jenna can go for a run and I can have some time alone - kill two birds with one stone - he gets a workout and time with Jenna and I get some time alone.  I think it'll be worth the $400 price tag.  And who knows, maybe I'll even start jogging with her too!

I guess we'll be forever trying to figure out this balancing act of parenthood, marriage and individuality!

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