Do you hate parenting?

My favorite magazine, New York Magazine had this as it's front page this week:

I Love My Children.
I Hate My Life.

Online, it is a little less harsh:

All Joy and No Fun
Why Parents Hate Parenting

Umm...eye catcher much?! I got the magazine Tuesday afternoon and read the entire article before bed. (for those with kids at home, that's kind of a big deal)

If you have a chance, check out the article - and not just parents will be interested in what it says, I think, if anything, non-parents, or people comtemplating kids should absolutely read this article. 
Not that I agree with or feel the same way that the people in the article feel...but as with most things, there is some truth to it (at least for me).

Do I love my daughter?? Oh my god, words cannot express how much.  Seriously my heart fills up when I'm near her or even thinking about her.  It is the most overwhelming feeling, the love for your child.  Even when she's isn't being ahem perfect and I'm at my wits end, my love for her is immeasurable.

Do I hate my life? In a simple answer: No. 
Do I hate parenting? Ummm...being 100% honest here...sometimes.

But here's the thing, I was/am a 30-something new parent.  This may be controversial, but I think there's a big difference between a 20-something and a 30-something year old parent.  I had lots and lots of fun in my 20's.  I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I dated a lot. I lived on my own. I started my career. My motto was work hard play harder.  And 10 years, that's what I did.  And you know something, after 10 years, I was kinda over it.  And it just so happened that around that time I met my husband (and initially we partied hard together) and we started a life together.  One that was a bit slower...not as much partying not as much going out.  More nights in with sushi and wine. More one night "out" and the rest "in" and we were okay with all of that.

For us, it was a gradual change of lifestyle.  A change that we initiated. And one that continued when we had a baby.  Everyone says that everything changes when you have a baby and it does.  But I can honestly say that we were ready for the majority of those changes.  We welcomed most of them. 

Now are there days when I miss my 'former life'? Of course there are. I don't think I would be human if I didn't wish once in a while for a day when I all I had to worry about was myself and had little (if any) real responsibilities.  But that's not real life and that's not how I want to live.  So I welcome the nights when we drop Jenna off at grandparents for the night and go out and "party" and I think I've come to appreciate them more now than I ever did before I had a baby. 

But here's the thing, this whole parenting thing is not for everyone.  The sacrifices you make are astounding and for many (like me) are totally worth it.  But if you don't think it's for you, then please, don't have a kid just because it's the socially accepted thing to do because noone benefits from that. 

Check out the article and let me know what you think!

Mothers and Daughters

This past week on our 2 part family vacation, we got to spend lots of time with our extended families and it was awesome!

But...I also got to see daughters of all ages interacting with their moms and I gotta be honest, I'm a little excited and definitely scared!

Looking forward to the 4-10 year old stage when she'll be a little more independent.  I got to watch cousins who could let their kids go in the pools and watch from the sidelines.  Or let them go run off with other kids and do an arts and crafts project.  Or play some flag football with some of the older kids and adults.  The cool thing was that kids that age were able to be on their own to some extent and not need an adult on top of them at all times.  That sounds very cool to me right now especially since we're at the toddler stage, where I feel like Jenna really needs us to be right.next.to.her most (or at least much) of the time. 

No swimming alone for this little girl!

Then there's the 11+ age group - I gotta be honest, this seriously scares me.  And I know my mother is probably reading this laughing to herself because I was such a "gem" to her during these years.  The rolling of the eyes? Not cool The fresh back talk? Definitely not looking forward to it.  The doing whatever she wants without caring about what I think? Oh god, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it.  The being really beautiful and making sure boys don't take advantage of her? Seriously, scared!

But I also got to see adult women and their moms (me included) and at least in the families I was with - the relationships are pretty damn special.  As my adult cousin said so bluntly to her mother as we were making fun of her crooked sunglasses, "C'mon who's going to tweeze your chin hair when you can't see it anymore?" We may all make fun of rip apart our moms, but we do love them to pieces and I'm looking forward to having that relationship with my daughter.

And I guess that's the return on the daughter investment...you'll always have someone to tweeze your chin hair! It'll be worth every second!

More Kids?!?!

I don't know what it is about Jenna turning one but all of a sudden we've started talking about the future of our family (meaning when should we start trying for baby #2).  Not only have hubby and I started talking about it - but people have started asking us.  This last part is kind of weird to me considering my brother and I are 5 years apart...but I guess nowadays people have kids closer together since women are starting their families a little later.  I dunno!

I'm also finding myself drawn to the little babies that are around. One of my good friends is going to have a baby this week and I honestly cannot wait to just cuddle with a teeny tiny newborn...I mean it'll be great to give the baby back to her parents, but still.  Everyone says it goes so fast and it really does. It makes my uterus twitch just thinking about it!
In all honesty, I kind of want to have kids close together just so that the whole infancy/diaper phase of MY life is over quicker.  I also am at the point where I finally have my body back but I know it's just on loan until I get pregnant again.  So let's just get the pregnancies done with so I can have my body back for good. The thing that scares me is that having kids that close in age means that life is complete chaos for a while (or forever)...but then again, isn't life pretty chaotic now anyway?!?!

Playground Observations

Maybe it's the fa ct that I'm a teacher, or maybe my psychology background but seriously people - What are you teaching your kids?!?!
I feel as though I could write a novel based on my local playground observations and interactions...here's just a few:

* A little girl is hysterical crying - she must have been about 3 or 4 years old...seriously hysterical and LOUD.  Noone is with her...I look around - noone is running toward her....I go up to her and I swear she comes in for a hug and won't let go of my hand...I ask her where her mommy or babysitter is - her response??? "I don't know!" Really?? Adults - hey here's an idea how about staying close to your kids while they're playing in a public park...Finally this lady comes over (it was a few minutes which I think is a really long time for a kid to be alone, crying and wondering where her babysitter is) and picks her up....Not a thank you to me or anything....

* Now I get it - Jenna is one of the smaller kids in the playground who's walking around, but it's a public playground and it's for everyone.  Jenna walks over to climb up the stairs to go down a slide and a little boy (around 7 years old) is sitting on the stairs and starts growling at her.  I ask him nicely to please move so she can climb the stairs. He tells me he is a dinosaur.  Okay, I can play along.  Can the dinosaur please share the stairs with the little girl.  He looks at me and says "No - I don't feel like sharing." Ummm...ok - and fyi - his dad is standing right there and can here the interaction.  Doesn't say a word...so I decide to move Jenna away and this little boy follows us growling.  I keep walking and ignore him and he eventually finds someone else to growl at (and I'm not kidding I saw him procede to follow other kids around).  All while his dad watched him, talking on his cell phone the whole time, but you know you don't really need to pay attention to your kid anyway.

I have so many more stories like this where I really start to wonder...what are parents teaching their kids?!? I don't know when I was a kid you respected adults whether you knew them or not....but I guess how can we expect our children to respect us when we're not showing each other respect.

Losing my cool

It's been a rough week or so here...between the 1st birthday parties, hosting Passover dinner, and just plain old running around, it's no surprise that Jenna came down with a pretty bad cold.  Her worst 'sickness' yet - some fever, coughing, sneezing, running nose, and all in all just not herself.  So needless to say, we're all a little sleep deprived - I'd like to think that's the reason why I lost it the other night.  I'm a little embarrassed by what happened, but feel like I should share the story anyway.

The other night my husband had to work later than usual so I knew that I'd be on my own with all the bedtime routines (which is pretty typical here, but since she hasn't been feeling well, I knew it could be a long go).  Surprisingly, Jenna went to sleep with no problems - put her in her crib and fell asleep within 10 minutes - I was on top of the world - it had been a long day of sneezes and whining so I was looking forward to some down time before Mike came home.  About half hour after I hear Jenna screaming from her room - I rush in there to see what's going on I pull her out and she proceeds to throw up EVERYWHERE. We put away her pretty purple rug a long time ago and now just have the ABC rubber mat for her room (thank god - so much easier to clean). My first instinct is to get her cleaned up and in new PJs - so I basically pull off my clothes and hers and drop them on the floor and change her and I into fresh PJs.  I leave a message for my husband just to let him know what's going on and to come home as soon as he can. She calmed down a bit so I figure I'll put her down for a second and clean up her room which by this point STINKS! Screaming insues again - and then comes another bout of vomit - this time on the living room floor (not on the easy-to-clean rubber mat, but on our area rug) fun fun! I leave another message for my husband - not as calm as the first one - asking him when he would be home.  Now I'm starting to lose my cool...It's not pretty when I start to lose control. I try to reason with Jenna by saying things like "honey - mommy needs to clean up so you need to stop crying for a minute" (I guess I forgot the whole she's 1 year old and not feeling well and needs her mommy thing). For whatever reason, I am insistent on getting the place cleaned up instead of just sitting with her and helping her feel better (not my best mommy moment). And of course everytime I try to put her down she begins to wail and I can say at this point, my cool is long gone.  I leave my husband a final message - well, not really a message, more like a warning and I may have said something to the effect of "don't come home" and I didn't exactly talk into his voice mail, but more like yelled.  It was not pretty and I am not proud of myself. 

I guess in a moment of clarity I realized that my parents live 5 minutes away and all I really need is someone to help me...either to clean up the place or hold the baby so I can clean up.  I call my mom crying who responds with a quick "we're on our way".  I guess she could hear the genuine panic in my voice because they literally got here in seconds.  Of course Mike got out of the subway (which is why he wasn't answering his phone) at the same time my parents got here.  So I went from feeling all alone and incapable of handling the situation to having a houseful of people to help me and of course Jenna is now laughing and completely normal. 

Once I was calmed down my mom (who handles me well in these situations) asked me why I didn't call her right away.  And I said I thought I could handle it myself - I mean I'm her mommy aren't I supposed to be able to handle it all? And she kind of laughed at me saying why would you think you can or should be able to handle it all by yourself? And she went on to say how at the moment Jenna needed me to just hug her and I shouldn't worry about the mess because the mess can wait. She explained that for the rest of my life I'm going to drop everything and just be there for my daughter when she needs me.  (which of course is what my parents did when I called them to come over)

It's very hard for me to admit when I need help and I guess this night was the perfect storm for me - sleep deprived, sick baby, hubby at work late, throw up everywhere, crying baby...I just hope that next time I call my reinforcements quicker so I don't lose my cool quite as bad.

Mothers & Daughters

When I was pregnant with baby J we decided not to find out the sex of the baby. We wanted it to be a surprise - our thinking was when in your life are you going to be completely surprised and not even slightly disappointed. I know a lot of people say that when they find out the sex at 20 weeks or so, they're surprised then - and that's definitely true, but then you have 5 months of imagining your life with that little boy or girl and you can start to prepare yourself for what that life is going to be like. And on a side note, at my 36 week sono Mike and I were absolutely convinced that we saw a penis and that we were having a boy - so convinced that we didn't have girl's names picked out until I was in labor.

Anyway, when the dr. said "it's a girl" I can't even describe the shock and excitement that I felt...a baby girl...I couldn't believe it and I still can't to this day. I always said that I didn't care about the sex and I honestly didn't, but for some reason I feel especially lucky to have a daugher. Maybe it's because I have such a great relationship with my own mom, she's my best friend in lots of ways and I can only hope that I'm that close with J. When J was born, a very close family friend and mother of two daughters gave me a book Because I Love Her which is a collection of writers reflecting on the mother daughter bond. And I go through phases where I read some of them and cry and love every minute of it.

But as I think of my life as a mother to a daughter, I start to think about the responsibility that goes with that role...How do I instill in her how important it is to be confident without being snobby....to be proud of her intelligence and not embarrassed...to be a good friend to girls and boys...to date boys but not be promiscuous....to think she's beautiful (which she is) and not harp on her flaws...I want her to know that she can come to us with any problem she may have (even the ones I probably won't want to hear about). I keep telling Mike that we're going to know everything that she does and he keeps telling me that we're not. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed with all the responsibilites that come with raising a girl.

So of course, I went to the one person that I thought would know the answer to this...my own mom (I may be biased but I think she did a great job raising me, and my brother for that matter). And she said to me to just "raise by example." So I'm working hard to do just that - I guess this is almost like my second chance to be all of the things I want J to be...