I'll tell you who's NOT a rockstar.

"No matter how minor the procedure is, it's always major when it's your kid" True words said by my pediatrician at Jenna's pre-op appointment.

Jenna had a minor procedure done about a couple of weeks ago. She's totally fine and Mike and I survived but I am just now able to write about it.  In my 4+ years of being a parent, it was one of the hardest days for us. Watching our baby put on a hospital gown and receive general anesthesia f-ing sucked (to put it mildly).

Now my little girl? She's a rock star. Handled the whole day amazingly well. From understanding that she wasn't allowed to eat until after it was over (which was hard for her since she's a 'wake up and eat' kid) to 'blowing up the green balloon' with a mask on (the gas to put her to sleep) to coming to after the procedure by simply saying "Mommy, I'm soooo hungry."

Me? Not a rock star. Only one of us was allowed into the operating room with her. And even though I knew I would be the more emotional one, I needed to feel somewhat in control so I went in. I wanted  needed to be with her. Upon walking into the cold, sterile OR, everyone, from the nurses to the anesthesiologists to the surgeon were wonderful.  I laid Jenna down on the table and held her hands while they all talked to her...cheered her on...comforted her:
"Blow up the balloon honey!"
"You're doing a great job!"
"That's it! Watch the balloon get bigger!"
"Keep it up - you're awesome"
"I know it's smelly, but you can do it!"

Me? I just held her hands as the tears streamed down my face. I could.not.speak. At some point someone put a hand on my shoulder and said, "She's sleeping, give her a kiss" and walked me out.

It felt like I was watching her for hours, but it was really only a minute or two. I found Mike in the waiting room and lost it. I felt (and still feel) awful that she couldn't hear my voice comforting her, but the words just wouldn't come.

Luckily, those professionals were amazing (and comforting) and all she remembers is the stinky gas (apparently it smells really bad).  She's one tough cookie.


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Good Recovery

Disappointment...last week was the first time I felt this emotion about my daughter. It was unwarranted and actually really immature and stupid of me to feel this way in the situation...but still...it was there.

J is an extremely outgoing little girl.  She likes to put on "shows" with her cousin during family dinners and is usually the "loudest" singer in her class shows.  But last week, something was different.  We had a small stepping up program from her class - they were to perform 3 or 4 songs and just look adorable.  I knew every word to these songs because that's pretty much all she would sing around the house for weeks.  She knew these songs. I was so excited to see her perform with her friends.

And then the performance came - lots and lots of people filled her classroom (more than are typically there for performance) - I made Mike leave work and come because she's usually such a "star" at these things.  First song...great - in Chinese nonetheless! Then the kids started melting down and then J melted down.  And then I f**ed up.  She came running to me with tears and instead of saying "don't worry about it - you're doing great." I said something along the lines of "Look at all your friends singing. Why aren't you up there with them?" Her tears kept coming. She stayed on my lap for the remainder of the show. And I was disappointed. Not my best parenting moment that's for sure.

After it ended, Mike (the better parent in this situation) told her how proud he was of her and how great she did.  And she smiled. I looked at him like he was crazy and then he and my friend pulled me aside and told me (in not such nice words) that I was the crazy one and I should get myself in check. She is three years old. He was right. I was wrong.

Yesterday was her ballet recital.  Mike couldn't come so I was going to be the only parent there, so I knew I had to be better. And I was nervous for her.  Nervous that she would get too scared to perform.  But this time, I was confident that I would be proud of her no matter what.  And of course, since I was so worried, she gave her best performance. She danced beautifully. Followed the teacher's every instruction. From plies to first position to pointed toes.  She was a perfect, graceful ballerina.  And I teared up with pride as I watched her.  And this time I told her over and over how great she did and how proud I am of her.

I'm hoping that my little bout with disappointment doesn't rear it's ugly head again...well, at least until she does dumb teenage things.

Our circus!

So I haven't blogged in months and well...a lot has happened to us since my last post...namely a baby boy! With that being said, the thought of keeping up with a blog and two kids is just that, a thought.
But I love the written history I have of my big girl's babyhood through this blog and so with mother guilt setting in (I have tons of posts about that) I'm going to at least attempt to write down some of our new life as a circus (complete with three rings)

I have a bunch of friends who are expecting their second kid and some of them have (very kindly) complimented me on my ability to keep it together and enjoy both of my kids. Here's my secret: I certainly do not have it together and we have days where we're damn near ripping at the seams, but yes I do enjoy them both. But here's the thing hubby and I went into baby #2 with eyes wide open - we knew this was going to be hard and days feel near impossible so we made decisions to help us. Some may not agree with the decisions but it's what has (so far) been best for our family.

1. I am currently staying at home with the baby for the foreseeable future. That being said my big girl is still and will continue to be in full day daycare. This is best for everyone involved. I was not going to mess with her life by making her stay home with mommy and an infant because that would suck for her. And let's face it, it would suck for me to be home all day with both kids too. So baby gets my full attention from morning until around 4 when big sis comes home and then he's a typical second child who needs to figure things out. But we're all happier for it.

2. I am formula feeding my son. Anyone who has read this blog before knows that breast feeding was awful for me. Did not make myself go through it again. I am a better mother for it.

3. We hired a baby nurse. Mike and I slept through the night for the first ten days that we had baby home. Amazing. Best money we ever spent. And we got to help our big girl transition to this new life. We even got to take her to a birthday party and a movie while the baby nurse watched the baby (see #2)

They're so stinkin' cute!

4. I have not missed a book club, Mike has not missed a business trip, we did not miss our anniversary dinner or our friend's birthday dinner and we are not missing my brother in law's wedding in Europe. We have tried to maintain some semblance of our 'normal' life and baby is just stuck going on this ride.

People say going from one kid to two kids is harder than going from zero kids to one kid. I say these people don't have any kids. Two kids is f***ing hard but then there are those days when my big girl goes over to the baby and says "I love you sooo much" and well...it's all worth it.

My Girl Wants to Potty All the Time!

Starting solids...sleep training...moving to a big girl bed....potty training...just some of the major transitions in the past 2 and half years of my daughter's life.  Each has been difficult and each has had its moments of pride and joy.

This past week it was Potty Training time.  Why I chose this weekend? I don't know.  But I read about and asked every person possible about the 3 day potty training boot camp and felt like I was ready.  I wasn't. Just like sleep training is not for everyone and certainly not for the weak at heart, neither is this type of potty training.  But I really just wanted to get it over with quickly and with as little pain as possible.

On the first day, upon wakeup it was undies only. No diapers. God I miss diapers. I rinsed out more undies than I can count and was more frustrated than I've felt in a long time.  But we were done with diapers and that was that.  I had to stick with it. She went pee pee when prompted, never unprompted and had many accidents (some minutes after going on the potty - which was soooo frustrating).  I gave her a Skittle when she went on the potty - but she could take it or leave it - which I guess is a good thing. Day 1 sucked. period. Stuck in the house on a beautiful day with a kid pissing all over the place. awesome. I called my friend (who did this with her son) and asked her why she didn't warn me how horrible it was.  But we survived.  Barely.

It was that night hat I told Mike that I am taking FULL CREDIT for this achievement (once it actually happens) and that he is responsible for potty training baby #2 (he agreed).  Because honestly, I can't do this again and I'm writing it here so I remember that I don't have to do it again. (Funny Mike side note: in the morning, I was in the bathroom and I hear "Daddy pee pee. Pee pee Daddy." So I'm waiting to hear the running footsteps.  And you know what I hear? Nothing.  Mike did nothing. Really? UGH! I have to teach kid how to go on the potty and the other kid how to take a child to the potty!)

Day 2 was so much better.  She went whenever she was prompted. (never not prompted) But get this - no accidents! We even left the house (twice!).  Once to take a walk and buy ingredients for some Yum Yum Brownie Muffins (we used yams instead of pumpkin - delish!) and once to buy some fruit.  Toward the end of the day, we even went to our local pool (in swim diapers - not ready for that yet!) and had a nice end to our day. I felt like the tide was turning and maybe yesterday wasn't a huge waste of time.

Day 3 and 4 were weekend days- in retrospect, this was probably not the best weekend to start potty boot camp, because we were upstate for the day on Saturday and Sunday was Mike's triathlon.  But Saturday was ok.  Definitely some setbacks (read:accidents) but nothing horrible.  She did a great job considering we were far from home in a new place.  The issue was that she wasn't pooping.  She was telling me she had to poop, but it wasn't happening.  There were tears (hers and mine) but we stuck with it.  My thinking was that I was still putting her in diapers at night, giving her ample time to poop in there if she needed to.  But she didn't.
Then Sunday, I made the decision to stay home instead of rooting Mike on in the city to get J back on potty track.  I'm glad I did.  She had no accidents and went consistently and pooped (finally!).  She even stayed dry at Grandma and Poppa's house.

Monday, she went to school and when I picked her up....she was still in the same outfit!!! No accidents all day or at home. Success!!

I''m not saying my kid is fully potty trained. But I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now (oh, and of course I'm super proud of J for being such a big girl!)

so far so good

I'm feeling a little empowered this week.  For starters, Mike is away til Friday (left Monday morning) and I'm holding down this fort solo.  And I think I'm doing a damn good job.  I didn't realize how much stuff he helped out with around here until I had to do it all alone. 
Like the whole bedtime routine, that's a hard thing to do alone...we run a pretty tight ship over here...Jenna goes from highchair to bathtub to crib in one big swoop.  That's hard to do alone.  But I'm managing. 
Daycare day 2 was pretty good again.  Drop off was way different though. She ran into the building and you could hear her thinking "this place is cool...I have fun here" and then we got to her classroom door.  SCREEECH....literally saw the lightbulb go off in her head "wait, mommy leaves me here. don't leave mommy!" Grabbed onto me and started to lose her s***.  I did what every parent does when dropping their kid off at daycare, I passed her to Ms. Caitlyn and hightailed it out of there and cried in the car.  Seriously hard.
I figured I'll call them when I get home to see how long it took her to calm down. Luckily, I never had to, a friend of mine (whose son goes there too) texted me that she saw Jenna in her classroom, eating waffles, and looking happy.  Thank god.
She's been handling this transition as well as I could've hoped.  I imagine this week is really hard for her - Daddy's away, Mommy's dropping her off in a strange place, and tomorrow her Uncle comes to visit from Prague.  Lots of stuff going on over here...but so far so good.

Oh Boy!

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Burn Baby Burn

Summer in New York has been H-O-T.
I am one of those people who obsesses over sunsreen.  Not just because I'm a mom.  I've been crazy over sunscreen for years because I had the burn of all burns
the burn that scarred me
the burn that caused blisters
the burn that didn't heal for months

....and it was on my BOOBS.
 
I once was a carefree teenager working at camp wearing cute little bikinis with my cute little body and not wearing sunscreen. 
All it took was one day.
One day of wearing a skimpier bathing suit than normal.
One day where the sun was blazing. 
One day of sitting by the pool, watching my campers swim. 
One freaking hot day.

The burn came on kind of slow.
First it was red
Then came the blisters
Next came the scabs - really attractive to have scabby boobs when you're 16 years old.

There was not enough aloe in the world to make this burn go away.  I wore bathing suits that covered the hurt area for the rest of the summer.  And if my memory holds, it took until September for it to totally heal. 
I have scars now, small ones, but scars nonetheless.
I do not leave the house without sunscreen on.  It is in my moisturizer/makeup even in the winter months and during the summer I bathe in the stuff.


This post was written as part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Friday Flip Offs

First time participating in the Friday Flip-offs from Kludgy Mom. For those that really know me...joining this was a no-brainer:

I would like to formally flip off the following:

*The contractor (who shall remain nameless because I'm a lady) who promised us he would redo our closet months ago, took $200 dollars from us for "plans" and never called us back. We still have a crappy closet, but now instead we are going to redo our kitchen and bathroom - much bigger job - and you lost out on it.  You're a d-bag!

* The woman who grunted and groaned at our strollers, let the door slam in our face and told us we were selfish - as I said to her then - karma's a bitch!

* Stretch marks - really?!? I lost all my baby weight...I actually weigh less than before I was pregnant - but you damn things won't go away so no two-piece bathing suits for me...ever.again.

* Cobra why are you so f'ing expensive?!? I don't care what political side you're on, my health insurance while my hubby found a new job should not be the same as my mortgage payment!

God that felt good...join in on the fun here...

I am so Not Mom of the Year

When I saw this contest going on from the ladies at Life Without Pink and the Momologist, I had to join in on the fun.  Over the last almost 16 months, I have had countless moments where I've said "Well I guess I'm not winning the mommy of the year award!"








It's all in good fun, but when I started thinking about specific instances where I was certainly not mom of the year - the few that came to mind quick all had to do with Jenna falling - from high and low.  I'm laughing writing this, but really, it's kinda not funny.  But I guess since I know she's okay, I'm allowed to laugh about it...

First the low...
At two weeks old (she was super little) we had her in bed with us.  God we were just trying to get some sleep and at that point the only way she would sleep was on our chest.  Well that's where she was, and I must of been completely sleep deprived, because I forgot she was there and rolled over and she dropped off my chest from the bed onto the floor.  Panic insued. Pediatrician called and visited.  She was/is fine.  I didn't tell anyone about this for months because I was afraid they would say I wasn't a good mommy. 

Now the middle...
You thought the bed was high...umm no...Jenna's fallen from higher.  Right around her first birthday, we went with some friends to the Long Island Children's Museum.  Great place for kids of all ages.  Well, they have this toddler room where the kids can run around and climb on things.  In the room they had this awesome real life motorcycle. I really wanted to get Jenna up there (you know where this is going right?!?)
Well we got this adorable picture first....

And then she went falling off the motorcyle.  You see my arm on the right, well she fell left, and what you don't see in the picture is some small steps next to the bike (so kids can walk up to it).  Yeah she fell off, bounced down the steps and landed with a thud.  I swear  I was watching her - I have proof - my hand is holding her!! But she fell, this time from pretty high up.

 

And the high...

If you're a reader of my blog (and you should be if you're not already), you know this story.  It was a few months ago, and we were staying at our friend's HOUSE.  We live in an apartment.  I thought Mike had her, he thought I had her. Well the stairs had her.  All we heard {he was in the bathroom, I was in the bedroom} was a thud and screaming. Jenna fell down a pretty substantial flight of stairs.  Thing is, I have no idea if she walked down a few and then slid down the rest, or if she slid on her butt, or if she flipped down them...it's probably better off.  Cause either way, she fell down a flight of stairs. It was a holy shit moment if there ever was one. 

 

Thank god our kid is tough because she's taken some good falls.  It's not that we don't watch her, it's just that I'm not mom of the year!

Join in the fun! Why should you get the Not Mom of the Year Award??

Do you hate parenting?

My favorite magazine, New York Magazine had this as it's front page this week:

I Love My Children.
I Hate My Life.

Online, it is a little less harsh:

All Joy and No Fun
Why Parents Hate Parenting

Umm...eye catcher much?! I got the magazine Tuesday afternoon and read the entire article before bed. (for those with kids at home, that's kind of a big deal)

If you have a chance, check out the article - and not just parents will be interested in what it says, I think, if anything, non-parents, or people comtemplating kids should absolutely read this article. 
Not that I agree with or feel the same way that the people in the article feel...but as with most things, there is some truth to it (at least for me).

Do I love my daughter?? Oh my god, words cannot express how much.  Seriously my heart fills up when I'm near her or even thinking about her.  It is the most overwhelming feeling, the love for your child.  Even when she's isn't being ahem perfect and I'm at my wits end, my love for her is immeasurable.

Do I hate my life? In a simple answer: No. 
Do I hate parenting? Ummm...being 100% honest here...sometimes.

But here's the thing, I was/am a 30-something new parent.  This may be controversial, but I think there's a big difference between a 20-something and a 30-something year old parent.  I had lots and lots of fun in my 20's.  I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I dated a lot. I lived on my own. I started my career. My motto was work hard play harder.  And 10 years, that's what I did.  And you know something, after 10 years, I was kinda over it.  And it just so happened that around that time I met my husband (and initially we partied hard together) and we started a life together.  One that was a bit slower...not as much partying not as much going out.  More nights in with sushi and wine. More one night "out" and the rest "in" and we were okay with all of that.

For us, it was a gradual change of lifestyle.  A change that we initiated. And one that continued when we had a baby.  Everyone says that everything changes when you have a baby and it does.  But I can honestly say that we were ready for the majority of those changes.  We welcomed most of them. 

Now are there days when I miss my 'former life'? Of course there are. I don't think I would be human if I didn't wish once in a while for a day when I all I had to worry about was myself and had little (if any) real responsibilities.  But that's not real life and that's not how I want to live.  So I welcome the nights when we drop Jenna off at grandparents for the night and go out and "party" and I think I've come to appreciate them more now than I ever did before I had a baby. 

But here's the thing, this whole parenting thing is not for everyone.  The sacrifices you make are astounding and for many (like me) are totally worth it.  But if you don't think it's for you, then please, don't have a kid just because it's the socially accepted thing to do because noone benefits from that. 

Check out the article and let me know what you think!

Daddy's Little Girl

Here's what the "new" thing is over here in Jenna-land...she LOOOOVES her daddy.  And when I say loves, I mean "get out of the way mommy, cause I see daddy!"

Now, on one hand, I think this is awesome.  I mean my husband is an amazing, hands-on dad who deserves all this love from his daughter.  I love that she reaches for him, that she goes to him when she gets upset, that she likes to cuddle in his arms when she just gets up. 

But lately, it's been a bit excessive.  The other night I literally could not get her to calm down for bed.  It was 'my turn' to put her in and Jenna would not have it.  She was literally screaming bloody murder until I gave in and gave her over to daddy and you know what she did?!? She calmed right down and cuddled in his arms with a big ass grin on her face.  I could almost hear her saying "ahh so much better." I know my feelings shouldn't be hurt, but c'mon!! I know it's just a phase. And quite honestly, the other night when she got up at 3 am for no reason and only wanted daddy, I was happy to oblige. But I'm her mommy, I pushed her out of a too-small hole and put my career on hold for almost 18 months to give her all of me...and all she wants now is daddy?!!?!

After that 3 am wake up, we brought her into bed with us and Mike (feeling a little guilty about the #1 daddy role lately) took a picture of us in the morning and said, "Look honey, she ended up cuddling with her mommy." Umm...I think he was just trying to make me feel better - it worked - aren't we cute?!?

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Seeing into the Future

You know how sometimes you start to have a conversation about your hypothetical future and then all of a sudden it's 15 minutes later, and you're practically arguing over something that has not happened yet...no?? Well then you have never witnessed some of my best arguments with my hubby.

Tonight's argument was about Jenna (who is 15 months old) and her not-yet-conceived sibling(s) and their sports schedules in high school.  Seriously. Ridiculous. I think one of my winning quotes went something like this, "If you think I'm going to work all day then go driving around to pick Jenna up at 7pm from some practice with the little one (who, I repeat does not exist yet!), you're crazy!"

Umm...yeah we were arguing over how many sports she (and futures) will play and how often and how many weekends it would take up...until finally, Mike (who is definitely the more level headed one) said "You realize that we're arguing about something that may or may not happen 15 years from now!" And we both laughed and moved on....

But seriously, mark my words...I will not be schlepping around every freaking weekend or every night for sports teams.  Ahhh it feels good to have the last word in - even if the argument shouldn't even be discussed.

Plugged in Parenting

We get the newspaper delivered to our door each morning and while were eating our breakfast, I was perusing through the paper and checking my emails on my phone (I'm a great multi-tasker) when I came across this article

The Risks of Parenting While Plugged In

Check it out...or not...it's about parents and technology and how we're so worried about our kids overuse of technology but are we (parents) just as bad?

We've all seen it or done it:
-pushing our kid on the swing while talking on the phone
-texting a friend while 'playing' with our kids
-surfing the web on our laptop while kids are having a snack

I've even been known to judge caretakers who seem to be on the phone allthetime...But I have a few comments about this "problem" (I'm not sure we can call it that just yet)

As a stay at home mom, my smart phone is sometimes my lifeline to the outside world and my way of telling our family all the cute things Jenna is doing.  It's how I send my hubby cute pics of Jenna when he's having a tough day at work.  It's how I set up lunch dates or play dates with other mommies and their kids.  It's also where I got to video Jenna's first steps, upload it to youtube and send it out before I even got home that day. 

And then of course there are times where I'm using it just for fun - like checking out what's going on in the world of facebook or twitter.  And I don't know - does Jenna need my undivided total attention 24 hours a day?? I'm not sure.  I think there's something to be said for her playing by herself for a little while - I think it fosters independence. I also think that we'd like to have more children which means that she's going to have to be able to keep herself occupied for a bit when there's a little one around...

Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better because I'm guilty of this behavior sometimes. 

One mother's comment on the article...

A mother made a child wait a minute or two for her attention because she was doing something not directly involving him. She even let him fuss for a moment rather than instantly reward his whining.

And this is considered a "troubling" incident? Does the nitpicking and guilt tripping of the modern parent never end?

Mission Impossible

I had a plan for today...that's a joke right? Plans are a joke...But I made one anyway: Jenna would take her morning nap, we'd go to the park, have some lunch, go to our open play time at the gym, and then she'd take her afternoon nap (now here's the where it went wrong), during which I would go get a pedicure (afterall, it's flip flop weather and my toes are GROSS!) This is when Jenna laughed at my plan...well, not really, but it felt that way.  This wasn't that crazy of an idea by the way, she usually goes right to sleep after gym time - like I can barely keep her up goes to sleep....But today I had a plan and I guess Jenna wasn't down with the plan....

I walked and walked and paced back and forth outside the nail salon trying to get her to nap - she was scratching at her eyes, but kept popping back up...then here's the kicker...a lady with a dog walked in front of the stroller and Jenna throws herself up tosses the pacifier out of the stroller and points going "doggie! doggie! doggie!" I seriously wanted to kill this lady for walking in front of us!

So no pedicure for me - instead angry diappointed mommy walked Jenna back home and put her in the crib where she's sleeping now - Too bad the pedicurist doesn't make housecalls...

Everything is just a phase...

I am hesitantly writing this because...well if I say it (or write it) out loud then I may jinx myself...but I think our whole "cry before bed until I throw up" phase is over.

A little recap of Jenna's sleeping patterns...always a pretty good sleeper (luckily), but when she was around 6 months old, we Ferber-ized her (sounds so clinical) and it worked - then at around 10 months things started to get a little crazy again and we tried to Re-Feber-ize her.  Well at this point I guess she got pissed because if we let her cry - she puked...all over...and if we let her cry again...she would puke...again. It was terrible and sad and frustrating all at the same time.

(More detailed versions at Pity Party of One and Losing my Cool)

Puking Baby + Messy Floor + Crying + No Sleeping = VERY STRESSED mommy & daddy


Since Freber was obviously not working - we did some no-cry sleep solutions.  Which basically meant I hung out in her room til she fell asleep (usually around 10-15 min, but some nights longer).  Recently she seemed to be almost ready to not have me in there...and the last few nights I've actually walked right out after a kiss and a tuck into her sleep sac.  Listening carefully to the monitor (cause god knows I do not want to hear crying which can lead to puking) and all I've been hearing is some whimpering and then silence...Amazing!

Seriously, the puking was a really really really hard thing to handle - hopefully that phase is over...but as anyone with kids knows it's just a matter of time before there's something else...hmm what's next?!!?

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Losing my cool

It's been a rough week or so here...between the 1st birthday parties, hosting Passover dinner, and just plain old running around, it's no surprise that Jenna came down with a pretty bad cold.  Her worst 'sickness' yet - some fever, coughing, sneezing, running nose, and all in all just not herself.  So needless to say, we're all a little sleep deprived - I'd like to think that's the reason why I lost it the other night.  I'm a little embarrassed by what happened, but feel like I should share the story anyway.

The other night my husband had to work later than usual so I knew that I'd be on my own with all the bedtime routines (which is pretty typical here, but since she hasn't been feeling well, I knew it could be a long go).  Surprisingly, Jenna went to sleep with no problems - put her in her crib and fell asleep within 10 minutes - I was on top of the world - it had been a long day of sneezes and whining so I was looking forward to some down time before Mike came home.  About half hour after I hear Jenna screaming from her room - I rush in there to see what's going on I pull her out and she proceeds to throw up EVERYWHERE. We put away her pretty purple rug a long time ago and now just have the ABC rubber mat for her room (thank god - so much easier to clean). My first instinct is to get her cleaned up and in new PJs - so I basically pull off my clothes and hers and drop them on the floor and change her and I into fresh PJs.  I leave a message for my husband just to let him know what's going on and to come home as soon as he can. She calmed down a bit so I figure I'll put her down for a second and clean up her room which by this point STINKS! Screaming insues again - and then comes another bout of vomit - this time on the living room floor (not on the easy-to-clean rubber mat, but on our area rug) fun fun! I leave another message for my husband - not as calm as the first one - asking him when he would be home.  Now I'm starting to lose my cool...It's not pretty when I start to lose control. I try to reason with Jenna by saying things like "honey - mommy needs to clean up so you need to stop crying for a minute" (I guess I forgot the whole she's 1 year old and not feeling well and needs her mommy thing). For whatever reason, I am insistent on getting the place cleaned up instead of just sitting with her and helping her feel better (not my best mommy moment). And of course everytime I try to put her down she begins to wail and I can say at this point, my cool is long gone.  I leave my husband a final message - well, not really a message, more like a warning and I may have said something to the effect of "don't come home" and I didn't exactly talk into his voice mail, but more like yelled.  It was not pretty and I am not proud of myself. 

I guess in a moment of clarity I realized that my parents live 5 minutes away and all I really need is someone to help me...either to clean up the place or hold the baby so I can clean up.  I call my mom crying who responds with a quick "we're on our way".  I guess she could hear the genuine panic in my voice because they literally got here in seconds.  Of course Mike got out of the subway (which is why he wasn't answering his phone) at the same time my parents got here.  So I went from feeling all alone and incapable of handling the situation to having a houseful of people to help me and of course Jenna is now laughing and completely normal. 

Once I was calmed down my mom (who handles me well in these situations) asked me why I didn't call her right away.  And I said I thought I could handle it myself - I mean I'm her mommy aren't I supposed to be able to handle it all? And she kind of laughed at me saying why would you think you can or should be able to handle it all by yourself? And she went on to say how at the moment Jenna needed me to just hug her and I shouldn't worry about the mess because the mess can wait. She explained that for the rest of my life I'm going to drop everything and just be there for my daughter when she needs me.  (which of course is what my parents did when I called them to come over)

It's very hard for me to admit when I need help and I guess this night was the perfect storm for me - sleep deprived, sick baby, hubby at work late, throw up everywhere, crying baby...I just hope that next time I call my reinforcements quicker so I don't lose my cool quite as bad.