It's been a rough week or so here...between the 1st birthday parties, hosting Passover dinner, and just plain old running around, it's no surprise that Jenna came down with a pretty bad cold. Her worst 'sickness' yet - some fever, coughing, sneezing, running nose, and all in all just not herself. So needless to say, we're all a little sleep deprived - I'd like to think that's the reason why I lost it the other night. I'm a little embarrassed by what happened, but feel like I should share the story anyway.
The other night my husband had to work later than usual so I knew that I'd be on my own with all the bedtime routines (which is pretty typical here, but since she hasn't been feeling well, I knew it could be a long go). Surprisingly, Jenna went to sleep with no problems - put her in her crib and fell asleep within 10 minutes - I was on top of the world - it had been a long day of sneezes and whining so I was looking forward to some down time before Mike came home. About half hour after I hear Jenna screaming from her room - I rush in there to see what's going on I pull her out and she proceeds to throw up EVERYWHERE. We put away her pretty purple rug a long time ago and now just have the ABC rubber mat for her room (thank god - so much easier to clean). My first instinct is to get her cleaned up and in new PJs - so I basically pull off my clothes and hers and drop them on the floor and change her and I into fresh PJs. I leave a message for my husband just to let him know what's going on and to come home as soon as he can. She calmed down a bit so I figure I'll put her down for a second and clean up her room which by this point STINKS! Screaming insues again - and then comes another bout of vomit - this time on the living room floor (not on the easy-to-clean rubber mat, but on our area rug) fun fun! I leave another message for my husband - not as calm as the first one - asking him when he would be home. Now I'm starting to lose my cool...It's not pretty when I start to lose control. I try to reason with Jenna by saying things like "honey - mommy needs to clean up so you need to stop crying for a minute" (I guess I forgot the whole she's 1 year old and not feeling well and needs her mommy thing). For whatever reason, I am insistent on getting the place cleaned up instead of just sitting with her and helping her feel better (not my best mommy moment). And of course everytime I try to put her down she begins to wail and I can say at this point, my cool is long gone. I leave my husband a final message - well, not really a message, more like a warning and I may have said something to the effect of "don't come home" and I didn't exactly talk into his voice mail, but more like yelled. It was not pretty and I am not proud of myself.
I guess in a moment of clarity I realized that my parents live 5 minutes away and all I really need is someone to help me...either to clean up the place or hold the baby so I can clean up. I call my mom crying who responds with a quick "we're on our way". I guess she could hear the genuine panic in my voice because they literally got here in seconds. Of course Mike got out of the subway (which is why he wasn't answering his phone) at the same time my parents got here. So I went from feeling all alone and incapable of handling the situation to having a houseful of people to help me and of course Jenna is now laughing and completely normal.
Once I was calmed down my mom (who handles me well in these situations) asked me why I didn't call her right away. And I said I thought I could handle it myself - I mean I'm her mommy aren't I supposed to be able to handle it all? And she kind of laughed at me saying why would you think you can or should be able to handle it all by yourself? And she went on to say how at the moment Jenna needed me to just hug her and I shouldn't worry about the mess because the mess can wait. She explained that for the rest of my life I'm going to drop everything and just be there for my daughter when she needs me. (which of course is what my parents did when I called them to come over)
It's very hard for me to admit when I need help and I guess this night was the perfect storm for me - sleep deprived, sick baby, hubby at work late, throw up everywhere, crying baby...I just hope that next time I call my reinforcements quicker so I don't lose my cool quite as bad.